In just one week, I will be moving to Malaysia. It’s surreal to think that this is something I have always dreamed of, and now, it’s finally happening.
The path to get here was already a journey in itself. From the long, hard scholarship application process, to the pride and happiness I felt when I recieved that ‘Congratulations’ email. Finally, all my hard work had paid off. The following months were filled with pre-departure preparations – paperwork, applications, emails, checklists, and checklists for my checklists. Soon, I would be immersing myself in an incredible culture, learning a second language, and making new friends! I would be beginning my honours research, developing important skills and establishing profressional networks. This was going to be the greatest opportunity of my life. Right?
Here’s the twist – I am not actually excited. I know I should be.
I had a dream. I worked hard. And in one week, it will actually begin.
Yet, I am clouded by intense emotions.
There’s fear. What if I don’t like it there? What if I don’t make any friends? What if I can’t handle all the responsibility? I can’t do this.
Guilt. I have been granted an opportunity that so many have wished for. I have wanted this change for so long. Why am I not grateful? Why do I feel this way?
Stress. I can’t get everything done on time. I need to start packing. I haven’t spent enough time with my best friend. What if my bags are too heavy? Have I got all my paperwork?
And then there’s the sadness. How do I say goodbye? How do I leave the people that I love? When I go back, what if home doesn’t feel like home anymore?
As my departure draws near, I find myself overwhelmed by the reality that life is going to go on without me. I am going to miss out on major milestones of my loved ones, and vice-versa. My family will continue to grow older. My pets might forget me. My relationship may struggle. Friends will continue to hang out, making memories that I won’t be part of. For some, the facetimes will turn to calls, and the calls will turn to messages, and the messages will turn to the occasional ‘how are you?’, ultimately resulting in distant observations – perhaps a like on an instagram post or watching a story.
Despite me wanting this change in my life for so long, the realisation that it is actually happening is terrifying. If I’m honest, there is even a part of me that regrets applying for the scholarship in the first place.
Recently, I discovered a word that seemed to cradle all of my emotions – ‘saudade’. Although difficult to directly translate, this portugese term encapsulates a blend of deep longing and absence, mixed with nostalgia and hope. But saudade isn’t just a word, it is a universe of sentiments tied to people, places, activities and life. It’s the sensation of feeling both happy and sad at the same time. It’s missing someone greatly while simultaneously remembering the beautiful moments you have shared together. It’s a yearning for what was, a longing for what is, and a craving for what is yet to be. It might seem like a somber word, but it actually captures something precious. It’s a bittersweet reminder of the moments we have experienced, and the hope for life offering more.
As I prepare for this next chapter of my life – grappling with the intense emotions of leaving behind the life I know, yet wanting to find happiness, and knowing I will go through incredible growth – I have found solace in saudade.
This post has certainly been a work in progress, written over the space of an emotional few weeks. It’s an attempt to capture my rollercoaster of emotions, and to reach out to others who may find themselves in a similiar whirlwind of feelings. In the beginning, all I could think about was the pain and sadness. As I continued to reflect, I remembered that these feelings are a testament to the depth of my life, love and relationships I have developed. I am so lucky to have that.
I am slowly finding strength in my vulnerability. It is not a sign of weakness, but one of courage. I think I am finally ready to step into the unknown, to grow and discover, and to make the most of whatever comes next.
Jumpa lagi Malaysia – let’s get this adventure started.
